Alabama Player Goes Missing in Transfer Portal
854 words. Satire. News Story.
Alabama Player Goes Missing in Transfer Portal
University of Alabama third-string quarterback Josh Postlethwaite, 20, has been reported missing following his entry into the NCAA Transfer Portal, according to anonymous sources. He entered the portal shortly after football practice on Friday afternoon.
Sources with knowledge of the matter state that Postlethwaite, who has been riding the pine for Coach Saban for two years, entered this season as the second-string QB, with the expectation of being groomed for the starting job next year. The preparation process usually involves being allowed to take snaps during meaningless downs, such as the final drive of games where Alabama has at least a three-touchdown lead. However, at the most recent practice, Postlethwaite’s usual snaps were instead given to new arrival Hamilton “Ham” Slabinsky, the 350-lb freshman phenom who was the Mississippi high school Player of the Year before becoming the crown jewel of Coach Saban’s most recent recruiting class. Postlethwaite was then informed of his demotion to third string.
Witnesses report that instead of going to the locker room after practice, Postlethwaite suddenly bolted toward the Transfer Portal, which is located in a corner of the Hank Crisp Indoor Football Facility on the Tuscaloosa campus. He was observed pressing the green “on” button and then yelling, “Redshirt this, Nicky Boy!” before leaping into the portal in the classic Heisman Trophy pose while the machine was still in its warmup phase. The machine completed that phase and then reported “ready for transfer.” Subsequent examination of the portal activity logs contain no reference to the young man.
“We are very concerned,” Coach Nick Saban told reporters. “Josh was a key part of our plan to continue to motivate Ham to keep improving and to be ready to take over the starting job next season. We’re retooling as a brusing running team, and Ham will bruise you just by looking at you. Now we have to find another third-stringer with almost but not quite enough talent to start for this team. Competition for starting slots and the resulting massive disappointment of the non-starters is key to my process, which has resulted in six national championships and counting.” After making those comments, winking, and leaving the podium, Coach Saban later emerged from his office and asked the janitor to run tell those reporters that the Alabama Football Family was of course very concerned for Josh’s safety, etc., which the janitor did with a grin, on condition of anonymity.
An NCAA official, speaking on condition of anonymity, provided further information. “Jumping in during the warmup cycle? Oh my God. Hold on.” The official then placed the phone call on hold. Upon his return he continued, “Sorry, I had to throw up just then. OK. I also checked with the tech dweebs and it’s not all bad news. They tell me the machine is fully functional during the warmup cycle, so Josh was probably not reduced to atomic particles or dismembered or anything like that. The warmup is basically to give the transfer mechanism time to fully interface with the administrative routines, so what we’re talking about here is paper work. Normally you input a bunch of information saying who is transferring, from where, to where. Stuff like that. So, yeah, we’re pretty sure Josh transferred somewhere, and of course he must have come out from another NCAA Transfer Portal machine, but we just don’t know where. The dweeb—the tech guy said it’s random if you don’t put in a destination. Logging doesn’t start until the warmup cycle completes. Look, I’m sure we’ll find him—all he has to do is phone home from wherever he is.”
Asked whether Josh would be able to return to Tuscaloosa via the Transfer Portal, the official shook his head and said, “Oh, no, of course not. We do have rules, you know. The Transfer Portal was intended to streamline an administrative process that used to take days or even months, but that doesn’t mean you can jump through it willy-nilly like it’s a turnstile at the ballpark. That would be chaos—coaches wouldn’t know who was available to play at any given moment, or even who was still on the team. Since he did use the NCAA portal, albeit without proper documentation, Josh will have to play for one full season wherever he emerges, and in whatever sport the receiving machine was set to expect. That machine is not just for football transfers, you know. So young Josh just might be suiting up with the BYU women’s gymnastic team for all I know.” A janitor from NCAA headquarters contacted this reporter hours later to add that that man, he said to tell you that everyone in the NCAA Family wishes Josh well and all that there stuff.
Since no one we interviewed said it, this reporter asks that all schools in the United States with a NCAA Transfer Portal, please keep an eye out for a classically handsome but distraught six-foot 4-inch tall, 230-pound young man wandering around the athletic facility in a Crimson Tide football uniform. His parents, at least, would like to know where he is.
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