Tevye: Hello and welcome please from Anatevka! I am your host, Tevye, and I am so looking forward to answering your money questions in today’s broadcast of Ask The Dairyman. Let’s go straight to the phones. I see here our first caller is Michael. Mike, you’re up—ask the dairyman!
Mike: Uh, yes, hi Tevye. Long time listener, first time caller.
Tevye: Thanks Mike. How can I help you today?
Mike: Tevye, my wife and I are really stressing out about paying for our daughters’ weddings. You see, we have two daughters—
Tevye: I have five daughters.
Mike: Whoa. Then you know—
Tevye: Do I know? Do I know! One daughter was a blessing. Two? A double blessing. But three, and four, and five! God! I am a poor man! You could not give me even one son? Each daughter requires a dowry. God, how can I, a humble dairyman, possibly provide five dowries? Now, if I were a rich man it would be different. If I were a rich man, I wouldn’t have to work hard…yigga digga digga digga digga deedle deedle dum! All day long I’d piddle diddle pum—if I were a wealthy man…hey! Do you see what I mean, Mike?
Mike: Not exactly.
Tevye: Well keep listening, Mike, maybe my advice to other callers will help you. OK, I see here we have Lisa with a question about retirement. Lisa? You’re up—ask the dairyman!
Lisa: Hi Tevye, long time first time.
Tevye: Succinctly put, thanks for listening and for calling, Lisa. What’s your question?
Lisa: Tevye, I’m 65 and my husband is 66. We both retired a year ago and we’ve been doing OK living on our pensions and our savings, but a little more income would be nice. Should we take Social Security now, or should we wait until we reach full retirement age to maximize our monthly income?
Tevye: I am a poor dairyman in a poor village. I have five daughters.
Lisa: Yes, I have heard you say that before.
Tevye: Lisa, do you know what kind of pension and savings a poor dairyman like myself can look forward to?
Lisa: Oh, well, I’m sure I don’t know. Is Anatevka in Russia, or Poland? I was never exactly sure.
Tevye: God—and Lisa—listen! I am up long before the sun to do the milking. Do I rest after that? No! Then I must make my rounds of the village, dispensing milk one unpasteurized ladle at a time. I am paid pennies, or in chickens, or in potatoes. There will be no pension and no savings for one such as I. It would spoil some vast eternal plan, you see. Now, if I were a rich man, that would be different. If I were a rich man, well, I would build one long staircase just going up—zip! And one even longer going down—swoop! Boom!
Lisa: That doesn’t sound practical. What would stop you from going up and down on both? Would they be connected at the top?
Tevye: Who cares? L’chaim! To life! Another thing I would do, if I were a rich man, is zabba dabba yabba babba diddle deidle doo! And Lisa, you know, it’s sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, over and over. Would you care to guess how the years fly?
Lisa: Oh, I know this. Swiftly?
Tevye: Not so much, no.
Lisa: So you’re saying I should be carefree, go ahead and take the Social Security?
Tevye: Did I stutter, Lisa? Thanks for that question. Next up is Roger. You’re up—ask the dairyman!
Roger: Hey Tevye, I really enjoy your show. Listen, I have a bunch of credit cards and they are all charged up to the max. I’m making minimum payments, but I want to pay them down faster. Should I make the same extra payments on all of them, or should I work on the ones with higher interest rates first?
Tevye: Well, Roger, let’s talk about the Debt Mudball, which is a popular topic here on Ask The Dairyman. Five daughters have I. But first, how’s your income, Roger?
Roger: I do OK. I bring home a hundred grand a year.
Tevye: A hundred—did you say a hundred grand?
Roger: Yeah. Income is great, I’ve just been bad on the spending side with the credit—
Tevye: Roger, you know what you are?
Roger: I’m in debt up to my eyeballs, Tevye.
Tevye: Roger, you are a rich man! Do you know what I would do if I were a rich man?
Roger: I really need help. Don’t go into that digga—
Tevye: Roger, if I were a rich man, I would digga digga digga digga deedle deidle dum!
Roger: Please—
Tevye: All day long I’d beedle beidle bum—
Roger: Tevye—
Tevye: —if I were a wealthy man. Hey!
Roger: So do I pay the highest interest first, or the highest balance?
Tevye: Wouldn’t have to work hard! Thanks for the calls Roger, Lisa, Mike, and thanks for listening everyone! Tune in next week for another hour of money advice on Ask The Dairyman! Ho! Yow! Out of my way! Digga digga yadda digga yadda fiddle diddle day!
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