Child Advocates Protest Against Giant Toy Company
The Daily Probe - December 16, 1999
The context for this and other Daily Probe articles is provided here.
HOUSTON, TX (DPI) - Members of the child advocate group, Mothers
Against Other People's Kids Making Money, Those Auditions Were
Rigged, My Kid Is Cuter (MAOPKMMTAWRMKIC), braved mild breezes and
balmy weather yesterday to march in picket lines outside of the
corporate headquarters of toy giant HazPro. The source of their
anger: the alleged abuse of the child models who appear on the
packages of HazPro products. MAOPKMMTAWRMKIC spokeswoman Megala
Stumpythighs put down her megaphone long enough to hold up a box
containing HazPro's popular MoneyMachine Printing Press toy.
"Look at this poor kid's face," said Ms. Stumpythighs. "This
expression is not only unnatural, I don't think the kid could
*make* that face unless he was under extreme physical duress."
Indeed, the male child on the MoneyMachine box has eyes that are
opened impossibly wide, with the main seeing portion of the eyes
bugged out quite far. Also, his mouth is opened so wide in an
apparent paroxysm of unbounded joy, that one might suspect that
his jaw hinges had been temporarily detached, similar to the way
a python adjusts his jawbones to enable it to swallow whole a
large rat or other prey several times larger than its own head.
The female child, presumably the amateur counterfeiter's little
sister, is similarly disfigured. Besides her physical
characteristics, Ms. Stumpythighs contends that the little girl
is obviously the victim of psychological abuse. "Look at her
expression as she gazes at the stacks of money coming out of that
evil machine. The eyes; my God, the eyes. She looks like she's
inhabited by the soul of a centuries-old witch or a vampire,
or worse yet an Egyptian succubus. That is not the face of a
little girl. This is a clear case of hypnotism or demonic
possession. She will need daily therapy for the rest of her life.
Oh, and I think that both kids are wearing a thick layer of
lipstick. That's not life-threatening, but it is just a little
bit sick."
HazPro chairman Eimrich Sosume refused to meet with the protesters,
but he did issue a statement. "These MAOPKMMTAWRMKIC people are
simply disgruntled because we did not use their kids in our ads
and on our boxes. In child modeling as in life, there are winners
and losers; we cannot alter that fact. To the charges of child
abuse, I say 'Bullfeathers.' The expressions of delight are
genuine. Our models are selected because of their distinguishing
facial traits, such as extremely large eyes, gaping mouths,
shellacked hair, shirts buttoned all the way to the top, and a
certain mad expression that, when captured on film, conveys
maximum enjoyment. Our practices are consistent with those of the
entire toy industry, and we will not change to suit the rantings
of disappointed stage mothers. Oh, yes: Merry Christmas."
- Reported by Chris Jones
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