Company Issues Toy Recall
The Daily Probe - December 6, 1999
The context for this and other Daily Probe articles is provided here.
HOUSTON, TX (DPI) - Toy giant HazPro has grudgingly issued a recall
of its Bonanza Map toy. The Bonanza Map is an authentic reproduction
of a map of Nevada circa 1873. It combines an antique look-and-feel
with high-tech electronics and movie-quality incendiaries. The rich,
thick parchment map just lays there when folded for storage. However,
when the user unfolds the map, an embedded microchip emits the famous
Bonanza theme and four seconds later the map bursts violently into
flame starting at the center, with the yellow flames moving rapidly
outward until the entire map is consumed. The recall was prompted
by reports of consumers, both children and adults, setting them-
selves, their vehicles, their homes, and even whole forests ablaze
while playing with the map. HazPro chairman Eimrich Sosume said at
a press conference, "I wish people could follow instructions. The
Bonanza Map is clearly labeled in English and several Third World
languages as 'guaranteed to burn vigorously when unfolded.' What
do you expect when you open a flaming musical map--Peter Pan and
Tinkerbell? We tested that concept and it just fell flat. This toy
is safe when used properly. I guess we'll just have to warehouse it
until the public IQ gets a few points higher. This recall is going
to kill HazPro's Christmas sales." A class action lawsuit has been
filed against HazPro on behalf of several thousand people claiming
damages for loss of eyebrows and arm hairs as well as outright
destruction of personal property. The claimants also seek punitive
damages for traumatization and continued adverse reactions to the
Bonanza theme music, which you don't think you hear a lot until
you have been conditioned to scream and wet yourself when you do
hear it.
In related news, HazPro announced that it would try to salvage the
Christmas sales season with the early release of its Li'l Mission
cassette tapes. Mr. Sosume enthusiastically described the new toy.
"Li'l Mission is big big fun. What kid doesn't want to play secret
agent? Each tape gives the kid a secret mission to perform. It comes
with a dossier with top secret photos and documents. Best of all,
five seconds after the mission briefing, the tape bursts into...
um...Peter Pan and Tinkerbell! Yeah, that's it: Peter Pan and
Tinkerbell."
- Reported by Chris Jones
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