Gore Invents New Cricket
The Daily Probe - February 2, 2000
The context for this and other Daily Probe articles is provided here.
BEAUREGARD, SC (DPI) - Excitement was the watchword last night when
a previously unknown species of cricket was discovered under the
porch outside the building where the latest Democratic debate was
held. The historic find occurred midway through the debate when this
unscreened question from the audience was read aloud by the
moderator:
"Can any of you candidates describe a single plank of your platform
that does not depend on the notion that the federal government
should enhance its powers at the expense of state powers and to the
detriment of individual freedoms and responsibilities? Also, how can
you use altruism as a shield for your fascist policies when almost
sixty years of government-by-altruistic-confiscation have
manifestly failed to achieve the goals that were used to justify
them?" Candidate Al Gore's hand reflexively shot up and wiggled
rapidly, beseeching the moderator to call on the attached man.
However, when the question sank in all the way, Mr. Gore swerved
his hand downward and pretended to scratch an itch on his neck.
When the scratching sound subsided, the candidates were left
sitting in a silent tableau, mouths agape, unable to comprehend
the alien philosophy that had motivated the question.
Bill Bradley's vest fluttered menacingly over the heart region
of his chest, and somewhere backstage a defibrillator beeped its
readiness. Then, so deep and long was the silence that a lovely
symphony of cricket chirping, normally obscured by the political
hubbub, could be heard from outside. The assistant entomologist
from the Gore campaign ran outside, examined the crickets, and
pronounced them a new and endangered species. Upon hearing the
words "endangered species," Mr. Gore snapped upright and launched
into a lyrical discourse on the environment, drawing admiring
gazes from the audience and leaving the hateful Libertarian-tinged
question to fester, unanswered and forgotten, high among the
rafters.
- Reported by Chris Jones
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