Help, Jim California Condor Got Me!
Letter to the editor. Multiple versions, different lengths.
Original - 533 words.
Help! My civil rights are being violated! This dawned on me as I followed the never-ending debate about voter suppression. As I understand it, the basic requirements for voting in all states are along these lines:
1) Register in advance.
2) Provide identification at the poll. ID is free, and some states (Alabama, for one) will bring one out to your house if you ask.
3) Don't campaign in or near the voting line.
4) If voting in person, vote on Election Day or on one of the n early voting days, where n in most states is a positive number (n was zero when I came of age in 1978, so n > 0 is pretty neat and doesn't feel like a restriction).
There are more rules for absentee voting, handling spoiled ballots, etc., but the whole thing takes up maybe a small pamphlet. These simple rules have lately been rebranded as "restrictions" and anyone who is not allowed to roll out of bed and onto a community organizer's party bus on Election Day and go cast a vote and partake of a free buffet in line while naked, unregistered and without ID, is now considered to be "suppressed" and deprived of their rights.
The lines at the polls have been rebranded as a latter-day Bataan Death March, with the final few dozen feet of the line a particularly dangerous area where buzzards circle, waiting to pick the flesh from the bones of those who perish from thirst, because naturally anyone who shows up naked, unregistered and without ID will also not have the foresight to carry a bottle of water and a pack of peanut butter crackers, and they would certainly not possibly be able to take a swig from the drinking fountain at the polling place.
But I'm registered to vote and I have an ID and my own water and crackers. So what's my civil rights problem?
The state and federal tax code, that's what's my problem. If the few basic voting rules/restrictions listed above are the modern equivalent of Jim Eagle, or can possibly be described as reminiscent of Bull Connor and fire hoses and attack dogs, then what about the multi-thousand pages of "restrictions" in the tax code, and the fact that I can no longer fill out my own tax return without recourse to expensive computer software, which often punts on the important issues and tells me to "fill in this square over here legally and correctly" when, you know, if I knew how to fill in those squares legally and correctly, I wouldn't need the software, would I?
I hope some ACLU staffers read this paper, because I would really like to know: if the basic 4-rule voting process is rife with abuse and restrictions, do I have a valid civil rights case against the labyrinthine, Byzantine, libertine, obscene, and lots of other ine/ene/een-words, tax code? Please hurry. The tax filing deadline approacheth, the buzzards are circling overhead, and I don't see any candidates for local office lurking nearby with fresh supplies of water and crackers.
What's that? I'm exaggerating and mischaracterizing some things?
Sorry, I thought that was how we communicate nowadays.
-30-
This work was published in Minot Daily News on April 10, 2021.
Shorter version - 350 words (348 according to some newspaper submission forms).
As I observe outcries about voter suppression, I realize that my civil rights are being violated. The requirements for voting are generally:
1) Register in advance.
2) Provide identification.
3) Don't campaign near the voting line.
4) Vote in person on one of several dates, or by mail if necessary.
Most state voting rules fill a small pamphlet and are quite liberal, yet they are rebranded as restrictions. If you are not allowed to roll out of bed onto a community organizer's party bus on Election Day and partake of a free buffet in line and then vote while naked, unregistered and without ID, you are suppressed.
Lines at the polls are rebranded as a latter-day Bataan Death March, with the final few dozen feet of the line a danger zone where buzzards circle, waiting to pick the flesh from the bones of those who perish from thirst. No adult could have the foresight to carry a bottle of water and a pack of peanut butter crackers. Take a swig from the drinking fountain? Don’t you know the IQ test went out with the poll tax?
I'm registered to vote. I have an ID and my own refreshments. So what's my problem?
The tax code.
If voting rules are Jim Crow promoted to Jim Eagle, then the tax code is an even larger bird: James California Condor, Esquire. Thanks to the multi-thousand pages of "restrictions" in the tax code, I can no longer fill out my own return without using expensive software, which often punts on the gnarly issues and certainly doesn’t offer me a drink of water. The tax code suppresses my money, my spirits, and my rights.
Tell me, any ACLU staffers out there who think simple voting rules constitute abuse, do I have a case against the labyrinthine, Byzantine, libertine, obscene, and lots of other ine/ene/een-words, tax code? Please hurry. The tax filing deadline approacheth, the buzzards are gathering, and I don't see any candidates for office lurking nearby with snacks.
What? I'm exaggerating and mischaracterizing?
Sorry, I thought that was how we communicate nowadays.
-30-
This work was published in The Lawton Constitution on April 13, 2021.
This work was published in The Standard-Examiner on April 16, 2021.
This work was published in The Casper Star-Tribune on April 18, 2021.
Even Shorter - 249 words, for papers with lower limits on word count.
As I observe outcries about voter suppression, I learn that my civil rights are being violated. The requirements for voting are generally:
1) Register in advance.
2) Provide identification.
3) Don't campaign near the voting line.
4) Vote in person on one of several dates, or by mail if necessary.
Horrible, isn’t it?
Most state voting rules fill a small pamphlet and are quite liberal, yet they are rebranded as restrictions. Suppression is not being allowed to roll out of bed onto a community organizer's bus on Election Day and partake of a free buffet in line and then vote while naked, unregistered and without ID.
Lines at the polls are now a latter-day Bataan Death March. The final stretch of the line is a zone where buzzards wait to pick the flesh from the bones of those who perish from thirst. No adult could have the foresight to carry a bottle of water and a pack of peanut butter crackers. Take a swig from the drinking fountain? Don’t you know the IQ test went out with the poll tax?
Speaking of birds (buzzards), we have a president who thinks Jim Crow refers to an actual bird, and he posits the crow growing into the more fearsome Jim Eagle. Why not go farther and say that any rules amount to James California Condor, Esquire? I would say Jim Ostrich, for the largest bird of all, but no one fears the ostrich.
I only wish I were exaggerating the arguments.
-30-
This work was published in The Fort Bend Herald and Texas Coaster on April 14, 2021.
This work was published in The Gainesville Daily Register on April 16, 2021.
This work was published in The Denton Record-Chronicle on April 17, 2021.
This work was published in The Winston-Salem Journal on April 19, 2021.
This work was published in The Concord Monitor on April 23, 2021.
This work was published in The Cleveland Daily Banner on April 25, 2021.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.