Irish Envoy Seeks Peace in Seattle
The Daily Probe - December 3, 1999
The context for this and other Daily Probe articles is provided here.
SEATTLE, WA (DPI) - Irish Republican Army terrorist Siobahn
O'Shaughnessy arrived in Seattle today with his mind set on one
mission: bringing a peaceful end to the days of vicious traffic-
blocking and police vs. civilian megaphone duels that have torn
this city apart over the World Trade Organization meeting. "This
kind of direct confrontation is so unnecessary," said a passionately
bearded O'Shaughnessy. "If I can help bring these warring factions
to the discussion table, perhaps then we can stage decades of
meaningless talks while both sides engage in ruthless killings in
a more covert fashion."
O'Shaughnessy brings to Seattle a reputation for bloodthirstiness
as well as piercing light blue eyes and a passionately jutting
beard, which juts out decisively from his already jutting chin.
President Clinton welcomed the news of O'Shaughnessy's arrival,
saying, "Thank God that The Peacemaker has arrived. I don't like
speaking in public or inserting myself into other people's
conflicts, so Seattle needs Siobahn's passionate passion for
peace. Perhaps I will grow a jutting beard of passion after my
presidency ends. Chicks dig the jutting beard of passion."
Experts at the International Think Tank For Grand Gestures With
No Practical Result liken O'Shaughnessy's peace mission to the
numerous instances of U.S. meddling in the centuries-old conflict
between warring factions in Northern Ireland. "It's tit for tat,"
said Think Tank spokesman Robert Blubberlips, a pompous Faustian
figure of a man who, without the Think Tank job, would probably
be standing at the bus stop with a tattered copy of "Lucifer's
Hammer" or the latest Star Trek novelization jammed in his back
pants pocket. "Tit for tat, I say to you. We have helped the Irish
achieve their current state of peace; the least they can do is
return the favor. I am too large, and my chins' too overwhelming,
for a proper jutting beard of passion. On me, such a beard would
be as a smudge on a pig's rump. Mr. O'Shaughnessy's swoon-inducing
facial hair will certainly look good on the television news and in
the inevitable movie about his life, after he receives his Nobel
Peace Prize, of course." Mr. O'Shaughnessy plans to host a free
Molotov-cocktail party following his staged meeting with the WTO
leadership and the labor and environmental demonstrators.
- Reported by Chris Jones
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