Low Initial and Recurring Costs 'R' Us
Commentary. Two versions.
Original version. 869 words.
I was glad to hear that the new U.S. Space Command will be headquartered in Alabama, but not so glad to hear that they had settled on Huntsville as the location. I was shocked to see that Anniston wasn’t even on the short list.
The Air Force stated that Huntsville provides a large, qualified workforce, quality schools, superior infrastructure, and low initial and recurring costs. I think we can all agree that no other town, not even Huntsville, could hold a candle to Anniston’s low initial and recurring costs. As for those other categories, well, I say nothing outweighs low initial and recurring costs. You could buy those other things with the savings from the low initial and recurring costs.
Do not be blinded by Huntsville’s existing aerospace industry and the Marshall Space Flight Center. As recently as WWII, the town was known mainly for textiles and as a location for a military arsenal and a chemical warfare depot. Sound familiar? Anniston has an ordnance depot, a chemical weapons disposal facility, and a FEMA training facility where they eat chemical weapons for breakfast (not always on purpose, but it counts). Annistonians are already used to hearing random explosions, catching a whiff of chemicals when the wind blows from the south or west, and the sight of people in uniform dashing about on missions real and imagined.
Did I mention the low initial and recurring costs? I did, but the point cannot be emphasized enough: real estate is cheap in Anniston. Why, the McClellan Development Authority, despite heroic marketing efforts, can barely give land away. For that I blame prejudice. Outsiders can’t seem to see past their preconceived notions about unexploded ordnance.
You know where else you find unexploded ordnance in abundance? Huntsville, Alabama, that’s where. But their UXO is rocket-propelled weapons, which tend to have higher, deadlier yields than the relatively benign artillery shells and hand-tossed grenades you find in the verdant, low initial and recurring cost woodlands north of Anniston.
Huntsville boosters say, “We got rocket scientists.” Yes, Huntsville, you do, in the year 2021. But what did you have before the federal government performed that brain transplant from the German V-weapons brigade into your town after WWII? You had a lot of farmers and textile plant workers. There was nothing to indicate that the local populace would take to higher education, and in fact Huntsville had to import not only those German experts, but big brains from all over the country, while the locals hit the books and eventually got caught up. It took decades for Huntsville to see itself as a “smart” town. Now they can’t shut up about their superior IQs and their sad need to be bigger than Birmingham. Do we really need to encourage them any more? Let’s not.
Anniston would not be starting from scratch in the smarts department, as we already have lots of big brains. First, notice how we employ nicknames. Our main nickname is “The Model City” in spite of our town showing up on so many worst-of lists. Cynics might ask, “A model for what?” We demonstrate mental agility by laughing and quickly moving on to our other nickname, “Cycling City USA”. That’s pretty good for a town with no bike lanes, no bike racks, a 10-year-delayed unfinished rail-to-trail project, and a few mountain bike trails of recent vintage. Finally, while this has not yet been made into a nickname, we are the undisputed home of The World’s Largest Office Chair. Ironically, it sits outside so it is more like The World’s Largest Lawn Chair, but we never claimed to also be the home of The World’s Largest Office. No one can claim that we lack vision, or the will to implement that vision. I mean, they can, but we will ignore them and keep touting our nickname-worthy qualities. Our propaganda game is strong—much stronger than Huntsville’s. They call themselves “Rocket City”. What, did history begin and end for them when they landed that government rocket contract? Sad.
If we can call ourselves a model city in spite of no one wanting to be like us, and a biking town where you almost never see bikes, and if we can engineer a massive chair, we are, as Wernher von Braun might have said, sehr gut (very good). A practical man, he would surely also have noticed our niedrige anfängliche und wiederkehrende Kosten (low initial and recurring costs). In fact, I think we should work that phrase up into another of our aspirational mottoes, whether or not we get the Space Command HQ. It only makes sense to lead with your strength.
It is not too late. Huntsville was chosen by the outgoing Secretary of the Air Force on January 13, 2021, on her last day on the job. That is not a description of a decision set in Quikrete, much less set in stone. The Air Force is currently under the leadership of an acting secretary, pending confirmation of President Biden’s nominee. I would not expect the acting secretary to make any major decisions, but I call on the future new secretary, whoever he or she may be, to consider Anniston, Alabama, Land O’ Low Initial and Recurring Costs (Among Other Things, Real And Imagined), as the headquarters for the U.S. Space Command.
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This work appeared on AL.com on February 10, 2021.
Alternative version - 500 words.
I was glad to hear that the new U.S. Space Command will be headquartered in Alabama. But Huntsville?
A fawning article stated that Huntsville provides a large, qualified workforce, quality schools, superior infrastructure, and low initial and recurring costs. No town can hold a candle to Anniston’s low initial and recurring costs (LIARC). As for those other attributes, they can be bought with the savings from the LIARC.
The largest cost, real estate, is cheap in Anniston. The McClellan Development Authority can barely give land away. Outsiders can’t see past their preconceived notions about unexploded ordnance (UXO). You know where else you find UXO in abundance? Huntsville. But theirs is rocket-propelled devices with deadlier yields than the artillery duds and gently hand-tossed grenades peeking from the verdant, LIARC woodlands in northern Anniston.
Don’t be blinded by Huntsville’s aerospace industry. Until WWII the town was known for textiles, its military arsenal, and chemical warfare depot. Sound familiar? Anniston has an ordnance depot and chemical weapons disposal facility, and a FEMA training facility where they eat chemical weapons for breakfast (not always on purpose, but still). Annistonians are used to the sounds of explosions, a whiff of chemicals on the southwest breeze, and people in uniform. Local attack dog trainers socialize their beasts in our shops and restaurants and no one bats an eye. You say Space Command would put us on a war footing? Yawn.
Huntsvillians say, “We got rocket scientists.” Okay, but what did you have before the government imported the German V-weapons brigade after WWII? You had farmers and textile workers. The locals hit the books and Huntsville eventually became a smart town on its own merits. Now they flaunt their superior IQs, but to what end? I hear a lot about catching up in size to Birmingham. About defending space? Crickets. Annistonians would look to the sky, if you paid us to.
Anniston already has smarts. Witness our clever nicknames. We are “The Model City” in spite of being on so many worst-of lists. If cynics ask, “A model for what?” then we pivot and say, “Would you believe: Cycling City, USA?” That’s in a town with no bike lanes, no bike racks, a dormant rails-to-trails project, and a few mountain bike trails. We also have The World’s Largest Office Chair. No one can claim that we lack vision or the will to implement that vision. I mean, they can, but who cares? Huntsville’s propaganda game is stunted: “Rocket City”. Thud. Did history begin and end for them when they landed that government rocket contract?
Our aspirational nicknames and our big chair prove that Anniston is, as Wernher von Braun might have said, sehr gut (very good). A practical man, he surely would have appreciated our niedrige anfängliche und wiederkehrende Kosten (LIARC).
I urge the Biden administration to reopen the competition for Space Command HQ. Meanwhile, we should replace our confusing nicknames with an all-purpose motto that operates subliminally on all who hear it: “Anniston? Sure, Why Not?”
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