Man Sues Over Besmirchment of Own Breeches
The Daily Probe - February 4, 2002
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ARLINGTON, VA (DPI) - Arlington resident Tod Gettys, 37, has filed a $10 billion lawsuit against McNeil Health Corp. over the failure of their Imodium AD product to prevent the complete and utter emptying of his bowels directly into his very own pants. The discharge was actually into his underwear, but the cotton levee quickly gave way to the high-pressure black riverine delta that spewed forth, leaving the inner pants area to bear the brunt of the load. The suit claims that McNeil Corp. was negligent when it encased the poo-stiffening pills in tamper-proof packaging likely to cause the urgently squirming consumer to lose precious minutes fumbling and scraping, thus creating a high likelihood of an accidental relaxing of the crucial muscle that is the linchpin of non-self-debasement. The suit claims $30 for replacement of clothing, $9 billion for pain and suffering, and just under $1 billion for permanent loss of consort with Mrs. Gettys, who "isn't getting under that."
(Reported by Steve Meckleburg)
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