Miracle Cure for Hsing Hsing

The Daily Probe - December 1, 1999

The context for this and other Daily Probe articles is provided here.

WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - Days after the humiliating revelation that
it had hired a trained bear to impersonate a pregnant ape in the
throes of childbirth, the National Zoo revived its reputation with
a revival of another kind: Hsing Hsing the giant panda has been
awakened from the dead. The medical staff at the National Zoo were
all agog after witnessing the miraculous revival of Hsing Hsing,
who had earlier been put to sleep with a lethal injection because
of an incurable illness. "It was rather like Jesus raising Lazarus
from the dead, I would say, only with a vet instead of Jesus and a
panda instead of a guy," said one zoo employee. The savior was an
outside consultant, one Dr. R. B. H. Clunt, who describes himself
as a "wandering large-animal veterinarian." "I was in the area
picking up Les--I mean, just taking a look around," said a smiling
Dr. Clunt. "I heard about Hsing Hsing being put down, and I thought
that that just shouldn't be. Down in Pigeon Forge where I'm from,
we hate to let a good critter go to waste. So I came on in here
and did a little healing, Tennessee style."

Witnesses confirm that Dr. Clunt insisted that they clear the
entire area around the zoo morgue while he backed his truck and
trailer up to the entrance, and only zookeeper Linda Wilson was
allowed to accompany him on his healing mission. Thirty minutes
later, Dr. Clunt emerged from the morgue with a clearly undead
and frisky Hsing Hsing by his side. The normally reclusive panda
was somewhat smaller because of her ordeal, and her color was a
bit faded, and she had changed to the male gender. She was also
juggling some cotton swabs from the morgue, which is remarkable
because Hsing Hsing's main skill before her death had been
sitting on her improbably large behind and peeling bamboo, not
juggling. But other than the slight changes, her condition was
normal. Ms. Wilson announced that in exchange for his invaluable
service to the zoo, Dr. Clunt would have first dibs on the pelts
of any exotic animals which do in fact die permanently in the
future. Dr. Clunt also has weekend and holiday visitation rights
with Les--um, Hsing Hsing.

- Reported by Chris Jones

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