Nice Ned the Squirrel
This tale of niceness is dedicated to the Human Race in the fond hope that it will inspire universal niceness. Please share it with your friends. Even better, share it with your enemies, or with those who are indifferent to you. Enjoy the blizzard of niceness that whizzes your way after you share this tale.
Once upon a time there was a squirrel named Ned. He was called Nice Ned by all the other creatures of the forest because he was so nice. Look, there's Ned now, scurrying along the forest trail. Let's follow him and observe his niceness.
Uh-oh, Nice Ned has crammed his cheeks full of nuts. His puffy cheeks make his eyes squinch nearly shut, so he doesn't see Moskowitz Wolf coming toward him on the trail. Moskowitz Wolf is trotting and he does not see Nice Ned coming toward him on the trail. Sure enough, they run into each other with a furry THUD!! Nice Ned is much smaller than Moskowitz Wolf, so Nice Ned tumbles head over tail to the side of the trail.
Moskowitz Wolf lunges toward him and barks angrily, "Watch where you're going, squirrel!"
Nice Ned replies cheerfully, "Hello, Moskowitz Wolf! Fancy running into you here!"
Moskowitz Wolf snarls, "You hurt my chest with your hard little head."
Nice Ned says, "You think you have it rough? Not only does my hard little head hurt, but I swallowed a three-day supply of nut meat when we collided. Look at my stomach; I look pregnant. I think you got the better end of this accident, Moskowitz Wolf. If it makes you feel better, though, I apologize."
Moskowitz Wolf only growls. Nice Ned says, "Say, why are you such a grumpy-bones today?"
Moskowitz Wolf sighs and says, "Oh, I just got up on the wrong side of the den this morning. Also, I have this awful tightness in my neck and shoulders."
Nice Ned says, "Let me see that," and climbs up on Moskowitz Wolf's back. He pokes and prods and says, "It's here, isn't it. My goodness, I've never felt anything so tight. You are so tense. Does this feel good?" He massages Moskowitz Wolf's aching neck.
Moskowitz Wolf shivers with pleasure and says, "Oh, my, YES! Your paws are surprisingly strong. That's the spot right there. Mmmmmmm."
Nice Ned rubs industriously and says, "We squirrels swing from the trees and also twist the caps off of acorns all day. Of course we have strong paws. Dum dee dum dee diddle dee dum, rubby dubby deedle dee doo. There, is that better?" He climbs down onto the trail.
Moskowitz Wolf shakes his whole body and yips with happiness. "Woof! That was great, Nice Ned. I'm glad we ran into each other, literally. I'm going hunting now, with a much better outlook on life. Thanks!" He runs away down the trail.
Nice Ned waves and chitters, "Glad to help!" Ned sets off down the trail again. This time he watches where he is going, so he sees Taliaferro Tortoise long before they can run headlong into each other. Ned calls out happily, "Tally-ho, Taliaferro! How's the shell game?"
Taliaferro Tortoise moans and says, "Don't ask, Nice Ned. I don't want to hear the word shell today. Maybe never again."
Nice Ned is concerned. "But Taliaferro, your shell is your home and your shield. And it looks so nice." Ned raps on the green shell, making a nice hollow thumping noise. "What's wrong? Share your problems with me. I insist."
Taliaferro Tortoise moans and rolls his eyes and says, "I seem to have some hard object wedged up under my shell, over the joint of my right hind leg. I can't seem to shake it loose, and no way can I reach back there. It's been there for weeks. It doesn't hurt so much as it irritates and frustrates, although it does hurt a little more lately. Possibly I have an infection. The prospect of having this thing wedged back there for the rest of my life is really bringing me down."
Nice Ned says, "Taliaferro Tortoise, why would you think that you have to suffer for the rest of your life? Don't you know that you can ask your friends to help you?"
Taliaferro sniffles and a tear rolls out of one eye. "I don't want to bother anyone."
Nice Ned pats his shell and says, "It's not a bother. If you don't mind, I'm going to reach up there." Taliaferro slowly nods his head. Nice Ned moves behind him and sticks his right arm up under Taliaferro's shell and rummages around. "Where is it, where is it...ah HA! Is this it?" He tugs on something hard that is bigger than his paw. Taliaferro nods his head. Nice Ned says, "Okay, here we go...gotcha!" Nice Ned pulls a whole acorn out from under Taliaferro Tortoise's shell. "Man, that had to be irritating up there! What did you do, buddy, run through a pile of nuts?"
Taliaferro Tortoise laughs with relief and says, "I'm a slow tortoise, Ned; I rarely run anywhere! I have no idea how that thing got up there. But you saved my life. Thank you."
Nice Ned waves his paw and says, "I just helped a friend. Don't be afraid to ask for help next time you get a nut stuck up your shell."
Taliaferro Tortoise says, "I feel like I'm in debt to you now."
Nice Ned says, "Nothing of the kind."
Taliaferro Tortoise looks distressed again, then a look of joy appears on his face. "Wait! You're a squirrel!"
Nice Ned says, “Well, Animalia Chordata Mammalia Rodentia Sciuromorpha Sciuridae Sciurus Sciurus vulgaris to be exact, but yes, I am a quote squirrel unquote.”
Taliaferro Tortoise says, "Why don't you keep that nut. You can add it to your stores for the winter, or you can munch on it today. It's your choice. But the good thing is you already have it. You don't have to strain yourself with more foraging."
Nice Ned thinks about where this nut has been for the last few weeks, and he knows that there is no way that he would eat a nut that has been in...that place. Especially when there are so many fresh and clean nuts to be had. But Taliaferro Tortoise is looking at him expectantly. Nice Ned does not want to hurt his feelings. So he tucks the grimy acorn up under one arm and says, "Thanks, then. I'll just carry this off to my winter stores, as you suggested."
Taliaferro Tortoise looks confused and says, "Is something wrong, Nice Ned?"
Nice Ned says, "What do you mean?"
Taliaferro Tortoise says, "Usually you squirrels carry nuts in your cheeks. Is something wrong with my gift to you?" A tear wells up in his left eye.
Nice Ned quickly exclaims, "Certainly not!" and shoves the acorn into his mouth and quickly rolls it into one cheek without letting it touch his tongue. He smiles a lopsided chunky-cheeked smile at Taliaferro Tortoise and says, "See? Yum. I'll treasure this nut next winter. I've got to go now."
Taliaferro Tortoise, full of a sense of peace, sets off down the trail. Nice Ned spits the acorn far into the underbrush and scampers frantically to the nearest stream. There he repeatedly gargles and spits and rinses his mouth out with water to get rid of the awful infected-tortoise-butt-nut taste. For the rest of the day he is still fairly nice, but he squeaks in alarm and hides whenever he sees an animal who might need his help. Tomorrow will be soon enough to resume his normal level of extreme niceness.
-30-
This work was published on the website revoltingdevelopment dot com on May 26, 1999.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.