Pussies Wreck My Investments
The Daily Probe - December 22, 2000
The context for this and other Daily Probe articles is provided here.
SNELLVILLE, GA (DPI) - In saving for retirement and in shorter term
investing, I try to use proven techniques like dollar-cost
averaging, searching for good buys based on growth projections, and
inspecting Alan Greenspan's morning bucket of night soil. So we
have established that I am smart and courageous. But then, right
when things are going good, all the cowardly shitheads who buy
stocks based on some fuckass formula that they read about in People
Magazine start frantically selling to the lowest bidder. A herd
mentality sets in, and not the good kind where, say, a bunch of
zebras all gang-fuck a lady zebra with plump hindquarters but the
bad kind where all the buffaloes run off a cliff. The idiot news
media brilliantly detects "market jitters" when the DOW takes a
1000-point swan dive into a shot-glass full of dysentery. Soon my
portfolio, once a cornucopia of delicious economic bounty, is a
dusty relic not worth the price of the ink that it takes to print
the monthly statement. Still I manage to open a window each night
and shout a long raspy "Happy fucking holidays you asshole moron
freaks!"
- Reported by Chris Jones
-30-