Reno Adds "Every-Damn-Body" to Microsoft Suit
The Daily Probe - December 13, 1999
The context for this and other Daily Probe articles is provided here.
WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - In a move that will cement her place in
history, Attorney General Janet Reno today announced a surprise
indictment of everyone who ever purchased a software product from
or signed a business agreement with the evil, widow-hurting, child-
slapping, Everyman-not-elevating, bad bad bad company, Microsoft.
"The precedent for this is clear," a grinning, skull-faced Reno told
a crowd of shivering semi-nude reporters who had been rounded up at
gunpoint by Justice Department goons and brought to the entrance of
her apartment building at 2:00 AM EST. "Microsoft does not exist in
a vacuum, except insofar as the entire planet Earth floats in a
vacuum. I'm speaking figuratively because this close to the Sun we're
not really in an absolute vacuum. But I digress; I didn't call you
here to discuss natural science or even physics-- Execute that
terrorist man over there!" Upon that utterance, one of Ms. Reno's
goons then shot a reporter who was yawning during her speech.
Ms. Reno continued, "That was close--he almost overthrew the
government. Where was I? Oh, yes. Microsoft could not have become
the big mean giant of the world if millions of computer users had
not conspired to help them do so. We're talking a major conspiracy
involving everyone who ever turned on a computer, except for Apple
and Amiga users. We also examined every agreement that Microsoft
had ever signed with computer-makers who include Microsoft products
in their machines, and our experts found that there were other,
suspiciously non-Microsoft signatures on the contracts. Look, we
have the entire country surrounded, and as soon as everyone in the
country surrenders, peace will be restored. Any questions?" There
were no questions, because the smart reporters remembered Ms.
Reno's propensity for shooting first and making up "rules of
engagement" later. They were afraid that in her volatile mood,
with her armed goons at hand, and given the skimpy negligee that
she was wearing in the nipple-chafing predawn cold, she could
easily open up a can of Aunt Janet's Waco-Ruby-Ridge Whup-ass on
*their* worthless, conspiring, militia-loving, monopolistic asses.
- Reported by Chris Jones
-30-