Rip Van Turner Awakens from Long Coma
The Daily Probe - January 17, 2000
The context for this and other Daily Probe articles is provided here.
ATLANTA, GA (DPI) - Billionaire Southern rake Ted Turner, in a
lithium-induced coma for the past decade, snapped back to
consciousness this morning and found himself in bed with aging
leftist "Hanoi" Jane Fonda. A Turner spokesman reports that the
startled rich man shouted, "This is not like me at all!" and bounded
from the bed and ran from the room with such alacrity that he quite
forgot his trousers. Mr. Turner is currently being rehabilitated in
an upscale medical facility where he is being gradually informed of
the key social and political developments of the past ten years;
doctors have not yet decided whether to inform him that he pledged
a billion dollars to the United Nations during his dark period.
Meanwhile, Jane Fonda-Turner has been banished from the Turner
estate. She's not leaving the marriage empty-handed, though:
a generous prenuptial agreement grants her ownership of the state
of Montana in the event of a divorce. The once-unwrinkly exercise
maven has confided to friends that she plans to rename the state
"Henryfondana" in honor of her late, seriously-disapproving-of-her
father.
- Reported by Chris Jones
-30-