Season-Deprived Group Demands End to Hate
The Daily Probe - November 1, 1999
The context for this and other Daily Probe articles is provided here.
HONOLULU, HI (DPI) - A group chanting, "We're here, we're warm all
year, and we're in your face!" marched on City Hall today and
picketed for several hours to protest the plight of a neglected
minority: people who live in temperate zones where there is no
discernible difference between the seasons. "We're tired of being
treated like second-class citizens," said the group's leader,
Mua'auhahoo Hohohahaheehee. "American society is totally based on
changes in the weather, which we don't have here. Seasonists run
everything."
Hohohahaheehee pointed to economic opportunities that are denied
the residents of warm climes such as Honolulu's. "Look at the North
and Midwest on the continent. You've got government-subsidized
snowplows, which means you've got jobs for drivers and mechanics.
We get none of that kind of action here, but we pay taxes too, you
know. 'Island paradise'? This place is more like 'Island Hell'."
A young woman protester, Weeweeleelee Wawayahyahyoyo, carried a sign
bearing the slogan, "Seasonists Are Mean" along with a drawing of
a fish. She echoed Mr. Hohohahaheehee's sentiments, and added a
complaint about the unfairness of the educational system. "I wanted
to go to an Ivy League school," she said. "But the SAT was rife with
Seasonist cultural bias. The language part was just full of
references to Winter, Spring, snowmen, sleds, bobbing for apples,
mittens, hayrides, and all that bourgeois Seasonist crap. Say you're
from Maine, then you would do great on that test. It's like all
that stuff is part of your life, you didn't have to learn it.
But for me it was like reading a foreign language. The math part
was fair. OK, I failed the math part, too, but I'm not good at math.
I'm definitely suing the SAT people and Harvard for what they've
done to me."
Hohohahaheehee added, "Sister Wawayahyahyoyo is right. We also want
to take the media and the entertainment industry to task for their
support of the Seasonist hegemony. It's everywhere: movies, TV,
music. Whole sections of the newspaper devoted to Fall Festivals
here, and Spring Cleaning sales there. The Farmer's Almanac is the
Rosetta Stone of these McCarthyite hatemongers. Look at Carole
King's 'You've Got a Friend.' Beautiful tune,beautiful sentiment,
until she gets to the line, 'Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall,
All you've got to do is call.' What is that? Why does it have to be
all about seasons? She's snubbing us, and it hurts."
The group plans another protest to coincide with the opening of the
Winter Olympics in Utah, a boycott of Carole King, and a lobbying
effort to pass federal legislation prohibiting discrimination
against Seasonless-Americans. Carole King could not be reached for
comment.
- Reported by Chris Jones
-30-