A Sassy Epidemic
247 words. Satire. Commentary. Multiple versions with different lengths.
Original (247 words)
I’m writing to make others aware of a new class of ailment called Flaunting-Related Injury. FRI was first observed among a small subset of particularly attractive, bikini-clad people, such as Salma Hayek and Elizabeth Hurley, who began flaunting back in the 1990’s, long before the advent of social media. Today, though, ubiquitous photo-sharing apps such as Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat make it possible for average people to flaunt.
According to medical experts, FRI is characterized by chronic and recurring sprains and strains of the muscles and ligaments involved in showcasing one’s swimsuit-clad body, or flaunting, in a manner calculated to result in the most appealing and revealing (but not quite pornographic) photograph. The severity of FRI depends on such factors as degree of arching of the spine, speed and degree of saucy cocking of the hip, and height obtained during exuberant leaps skyward in a fully-extended splits position. Secondary to FRI are minor injuries such as sunburn, grit-knee from kneeling on the beach, and HCPS, or Hermit Crab Pinch Syndrome, resulting from assuming a full lotus position in a bikini, with shoulders thrown back, while unknowingly sitting upon the subterranean hiding places of the reclusive (hence the name) yet territorial creatures.
Injury can be avoided by not flaunting at all. However, if you must flaunt, experts recommend doing so only in the early morning or the evening when the rays of the sun are less intense, wearing knee pads, and checking the area for crabs before flaunting.
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This work appeared in The St. Croix Source on April 27, 2021.
This work appeared in The St. John Source on April 27, 2021.
This work appeared in The St. Thomas Source on April 27, 2021.
This work appeared in Saipan Tribune on April 28, 2021.
This work appeared in Pacific Daily News on May 6, 2021.
This work appeared in West Hawaii Today on May 27, 2021.
Shorter version (200 words - but some submission forms say it’s 199)
I’m writing to make others aware of a new class of ailment called Flaunting-Related Injury. FRI was first observed among a set of bikini-clad people, including Salma Hayek and Elizabeth Hurley, who began flaunting for paparazzi in the 1990’s. Today, ubiquitous photo-sharing apps make it possible for average people to flaunt.
According to doctors, FRI is characterized by chronic sprains and strains of the muscles and ligaments involved in showcasing one’s swimsuit-clad body, or flaunting, in a manner calculated to result in the most appealing and revealing photograph. Severity of FRI depends on such factors as degree of arching of the spine, speed and degree of saucy cocking of the hip, and height obtained during exuberant leaps skyward in a fully-extended splits position. Secondary injuries include sunburn, grit-knee from kneeling on the beach, and HCPS, or Hermit Crab Pinch Syndrome, resulting from assuming a lotus position in a bikini while unknowingly sitting upon the subterranean hiding places of the reclusive, territorial creatures.
Injury can be avoided by not flaunting at all. If you must flaunt, experts recommend doing so only in the early morning when the sun is less intense, wearing knee pads, and checking the area for crabs.
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