U.S. Finally Declares War on North Korea
The Daily Probe - December 8, 1999
The context for this and other Daily Probe articles is provided here.
PEEYONGO-YANGEEO, NORTH KOREA (DPI) - In a bid to establish a
legacy, any legacy, good or bad, US President Bill Clinton has
formulated a heartless plan to "take care of unfinished business"
in North Korea. The plan involves a surprise concert featuring the
singing of the President's under-achieving brother Roger. The
concert is ostensibly sponsored by the Seoul Broadcasting System,
but in reality it is a CIA black op, codenamed "Operation Bad
Kimshee."
"We considered nuclear weapons, but those things can render a place
uninhabitable for as long as 10,000 years," said White House
spokesman Joe Lockhart. "Roger's singing kills quickly, though not
mercifully, and there is no radioactive fallout." The move comes
at a time when the morale and general health of the North Korean
populace are at their lowest point since China helped them kick
the US and its allies out of the country in 1954. Mr. Lockhart
explained, "In recent years, North Korean spies have variously
drowned in their own submarines, fallen off cliffs, and gotten into
fatal shootouts with each other while trying to spy on a basically
free and open South Korean society. This has led to a communal loss
of face; in America we just laugh off that kind of thing and move
on to the next sporting event or shopping opportunity, whereas these
crazy Koreans get all depressed about losing face before the world.
It's sad-funny, funny-sad, but it is something we can exploit.
Also, the bungling of the Communist regime has led to food shortages
and mass starvation. We think that a small push is all that it would
take to tumble the whole shebang into the abyss. A few tunes from
Roger is more than a small push into the abyss, I assure you."
Word of the impending musical assault has leaked out, causing mass
panic in North Korea. Wealthy North Koreans are disguising
themselves as South Koreans and buying safe passage across the
border. Less-well-off Koreans are plaintively wailing about the
Geneva Convention -- and UN resolutions against weapons of mass
destruction -- to anyone who will listen, which is basically nobody.
- Reported by Chris Jones
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